**Sigh**

I’m wishing I could set up a permanent I.V. that would shoot caffeine straight into my bloodstream.  It really has become almost impossible to function with a blood pressure of 80/60 (and that’s when I’m sitting.  It goes even lower when I’m standing.)   I finally have all of my medical records gathered and over the weekend I’ll be faxing them to Vanderbilt.  I’m hoping to be selected for their on-going studies in the area of orthostatic hypotension.

(I’m sure some people out there would like to take shots at me as to why I might have this problem, but pooh on you. You are wrong, so get over yourself(ves).  Go bully someone else.  One thing that this problem has done for me is to make me become brutally honest.  I don’t have the patience to put up with crap, so if you throw your judgements and daggers at me be prepared.  As Jack Nicholson said in one of my favorite movies, “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself.”)

All I can say is that the problem has become exponentially worse over the past couple of weeks.  I’m happy that I have eWillow.com to keep me busy.  It’s something that I can work on while I’m sitting or laying down, which is good because standing up for more than a minute is next to impossible. 

I have always had low blood pressure, but doctors have always brushed it off and told me how lucky I am.  It wasn’t until I came down with mono last year this time that I was finally diagnosed with this problem.  I never recovered from the fatigue, which led my primary care doctor to send me to a cardiologist.  The cardiologist did all of the necessary tests and my heart is fine; it was just a “oh, by the way, stand up and let me check your blood pressure” second-thought type of thing that led to the diagnosis.

Can I just tell you, though, how happy I was to finally have a diagnosis?  Finally, all of the things in my life that made me feel inadequate were given an explanation…why do I hate going to Disney World?  because standing in the lines KILLS me…why do I hate cooking?  because standing in the kitchen is IMPOSSIBLE…and on and on.

Just pray that I get accepted into the program.  I want to find out the reason why this is happening…there is a neurological misfiring going on somewhere/somehow.  I’m not opposed to taking medicine, but I want to find out the cause of the problem before I cover it up with a band aid.

Even though my blood pressure has always been low, the orthostatic part hasn’t always been there.  I know that for a fact because I never would have been able to get through life as a model.  I was on my feet all the time, carrying heavy bags to and from jobs, standing still, etc., and I never had a problem.  I also never had a problem when I worked as a substitute teacher. 

It started about four years ago I guess.  I remember that I would start saying, “I need to sit down” whenever I would be standing and talking to someone. 

So, please keep your fingers crossed and keep me in your thoughts and prayers because I really want to get accepted.